Dear me, two days ago:
To the brave woman(even though you don't feel it right now) who is beginning to taper off one of her meds.
It's going to be ok. I want you to know that in just two days, you will feel ok again. Yes, you'll have to go through this shit again next week, or the week after. It might feel worse. It might go better. Let next week deal with itself, ok? So here are some truths that you should know, about today, next week and the rest of your life, whether that's medicated or not:
- You are not that person. The one you are so afraid of becoming. You are experiencing withdrawal symptoms and that is all. It's not you, it's them. It's chemistry. You are not an angry person. You are not a fearful anxious person. You are a good, kind and loving woman, who loves her babies, her husband, her cats, her job. You might feel like that was just a hoax, like the drugs were masking the 'real you'. This, my love, is a lie. In just a few days you will again feel calm, content, loving, patient, creative, inspired... The list could go on. THAT is the real you, not this trembling half person that you feel right now.
- Use your net. Call the village. Get in touch with people who have been there, in that trembling half life between medicated and un-medicated. They will know what to do, what to say. They're so good at this stuff, just like you are, when you're not in this stupid place. Get someone else to pick up the kids from school. Get someone to take the toddler away for the day. Cancel your appointments and get back into your pyjamas. This is a type of illness, this half-life, and you should treat it thus. Call your husband, he's used to reassuring you that you're awesome. Write to yourself, write to someone else, just allow the sad angry words to pour out of yourself, it's so cathartic. The words need to come out, or they'll fester and dig their claws down until they become a part of you. Dig them out, squeeze them out.
- You're doing this for the right reason. You might be doubting that right now, you might think "what was so important that I thought I should try this lark?". If there was ever a reason to come off a medication, it's new life. It's the wanting of more new life, wanting to create life. It's the wanting to be there as other lives are transformed. It's that urge, that passion you have to be there for those women, just as you wished someone was there for you, someone passionate and capable and experienced and trustworthy and respectful. You want to be a placeholder, a sacred helpmate, a protector of that precious space where one becomes two. This is a GOOD REASON. Don't doubt it now. And don't doubt for a second that this is not what you were supposed to do... All of the threads of your life have been coming together to weave this story for you. It can't not happen.
- If it doesn't work, it will be ok. Maybe it's not going to work out, this breaking up with this medication. You'll figure something out. There will be other options. There are always other options. If there's anything you care about deeply (when you're feeling good), it's that we all have options, all the time. There are always other doors, other answers. Don't panic. Treat yourself like a client, remind yourself that you are in charge of your destiny (cheese alert!), that you just have to better informed. Be better informed, ok? You love researching stuff, research this. Know your options. Don't for a second believe that you are trapped in anything.
-You'll catch yourself saying a couple of times, it's not me, it's you. That is really good thing to say, say it more.
Dear meds, it's not me, it's you.
Know yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your team. Call the village. Be the village. In two days, you will be feeling so much better, I promise. Xx