Saturday, March 26

E is for Ennui...

In Georgette Heyer's novels, 'Ennui' is a fashionable curse, a middle-class problem, of those who have too much time, too much money, and no life force to get up and do anything. It is positively not done, to show too much enthusiasm, to appear eager or passionate or energetic more than perhaps a raised eyebrow, or the lifting of a snuffbox. So 'ennui' means boredom, a horrid lethargy of life, and boredom, according to Wikipedia, can be a symptom of clinical depression, amongst other things. Wiki goes on to say that boredom often sets in when we are faced with something we do not understand, or a challenge that we do not possess the skills to take on.
Blaise Pascal says "we seek rest in a struggle against some obstacles. And when we have overcome these, rest proves unbearable because of the boredom it produces"
I have been so so busy, and now I am bored. I 'have' boredom. Or, if you like, boredom 'has' me. We applied for ten different rental properties, and were accepted on one. I then chose a kindy for Lewis in the area, and found a school for Maddy. These were seemingly unsurmountable tasks a few weeks ago. And now, with so much still to do, I am bored. I can not be bothered. My motivation is below zero, and my passion for packing is nil.
Now, I don't think I am depressed. I have been watching for it, feeling it looming just beyond the horizon, every morning waking up and carefully, gingerly prodding myself to see if there are any cracks. And today is the closest I have got, but not yet, not yet. BUT - in saying that - I spent almost the ENTIRE day in bed. Yes that's right, I stayed in bed til midday, whereupon my husband brought me coffee and muesli and my meds(yes, he's amazing, so kind, blah blah whoop di whoo). I got up, after checking my email and facebook, and staggered into the lounge. I hung out with the kids for about 2 hours. Then i staggered back to bed. And stayed there until about quarter past 4 in the afternoon. And then got up again, wandered out to the lounge, and sat with the kids on the couch and watched whatever they were watching. Then I made them dinner, and we put them to bed.
And then I sat on the couch and ate the dinner that josh made me, and we watched two movies in a row. And then I forced myself to have a shower(i really really didn't want to go to all that trouble to clean myself) and now here I am.
It definitely has the potential to turn bad. Well, worse. I can't be bothered, and I feel guilty that I can't be bothered, and yet I feel frozen, paralysed by what I do not know. Fear? Am I simply overwhelmed? Just the thought of the four different phonecalls I have to make on Monday morning makes me want to crawl back into bed and shut my eyes and pretend I'm not a grown-up.
I want someone else to take charge and tell me what to do. I want someone to appear on my doorstep, and kick my butt for being lazy, and then force me(at lazer-gun point)(cos lets not forget that the only external stimulation i've had all day has been Galaxy-Quest and Stargate) to call WINZ and chase up the missing payments, and call Taikura Trust and chase up the missing in-home support, and call The School and explain our situation and arrange a meeting, and call the Other School and explain that we're too far away to go there and withdraw our enrolment, and call The Specialist to re-arrange an appointment, and, and, and.... oh and to start packing everything in the house and sort out how much we have to get rid of.
Well, at least writing that down has pulled me out of the boredom into the sheer panic.
And lets not even mention the fact that it's my boy's 3rd birthday this week, and we're not having a party, and we haven't got him a present yet.
Strangely, the panic feels slightly better than the boredom. At least I'm feeling something now.... I think i'll go back to bed.

1 comment:

Stacy said...

It is not surprising with all that you've had to deal with over the last few months that you would feel like this. Babe, you are a legend. So proud of you!!! Don't even think about Monday. Take the time to just be you, where you are at..... Sending you lots of love and hugs. xxx