Friday, March 4

quack quack

so as usual, i turn to you, blogdom, when times are tough.... i need to vent, i need to rant and rave and shout, and i need you to hear it and not feel personally injured by the rant.
I am tired of quackery, false medicine, false ideals & 'idols', and false hope. That sounds really depressed, but I'm not REALLY really depressed, just a bit.
I'm tired of intelligent people pfaffing around with things that are un-scientific, and suggesting those things to me. I'm tired of people meaning well but saying ill. I'm tired of people commenting on my body shape or my choices.
I want to feel free to do the things i want, to say the things i need to say, and to be me, but i cannot. I am bound by, well first off, general niceness, and with that a heavy dose of missionary-child guilt; thus i cannot speak my mind, stand up for myself or set boundaries. I cannot defend myself, for risk of insulting others. I can't tell the truth, for fear of more malicious lies being created in defense. I can't even be proud of myself, because that's going down the whole 'vanity' road, and we all know where that leads...
This is what leads to depression, in a person like me. We know what we want to say, people like me, we know how we want to say it, and we believe that it is right, but we cannot say it. We cannot argue, we have no voice. The voiceless get depressed.
Things eat me up inside, past hurts, present grievances, things that were said that cannot be unsaid. Things that good people have said. Things that bad people have said. Things that people who don't care for integrity have said. And if I can't respond to those things, for fear of the massive(MASSIVE) fallout, then I am voiceless.
I ache for all the other people out there who are voiceless, but I mostly ache just for me. I don't want to explode, or implode for that matter. I just want to be able to take things on, one at a time, to see peoples faces while I tell them what they have done or said that has cut me inside, and I just want to feel free to be myself.
I want to be free to have two autistic children who are beautiful and lovely and strange, and not have judgement passed down. I want to live in a world where people do not write articles about how autism in children is because of crappy parenting, however they write those articles, in whatever fancy prose. Some children are autistic. We don't know why. It doesn't matter how they got there, chances are their crappy parents are feeling bad about it, so let's just leave them be. I want to be free to make hard decisions about them, that other people may not believe are the best decisions, without second-guessing and looking back over my shoulder.
I'm tired of people telling me what I can and can't do, and of people, well-meaning lovely people telling me what I am or am not capable of. I don't want to constantly be reminded of the past, or labelled eternally by it. I'm tired of people telling me not to follow my dream, not to believe, not to hope for a chance of a different life.
This is my life. I am trying to find my place in it, and trying to find my voice.
Thanks for listening.


michellebagust said...

You are an amazing writer Rachel! As for autism being caused by crappy parenting that is a load of rubbish and was a theory way back when people had no idea what autism was! They now have a list of characteristics that defines whether someone is autistic or not, but they still don't know what causes it. Also it is so hard to be ourselves. I am trying everyday and telling myself who I am is ok.. :-)

Katie said...

Much love to you, my wonderful friend! I do believe you might be finding that voice...

Stacy said...

Beautiful Rach. You have a voice.... here it is.... right now. Be you, truly you, we love you. We stand by you and the choices you make for your children (who are, by the way, some of my most favourite people on the planet!!) Love, love love you xxxxxx