It's Monday here. All around the world people are trying to make themselves feel better about that very fact. I generally have hated Monday, most of my life. School? Yuck. I was the classic "my tummy hurts" schoolkid, and actually spent most of Sunday dreading Monday. In fact I often spent Saturday in a stressed state of relaxation, desperately trying to have a nice day because inevitably it was followed by Sunday, which meant Monday was already practically here. On the good side though, this constant state of dread and anxiety meant that my high school years seemed to pass very quickly!
At Uni, there was less dread, more lethargy; I genuinely looked forward to BEING at university but it was the WAKING that was the hard part.
And then working. Blecch. For a while I had a good job where I enjoyed work, it was interesting and stimulating and the people I worked with were actually nice people. Mondays seemed to be a non event, part of the fabric of life. But when I changed jobs to a place where my boss made every working moment miserable, Mondays quickly returned to their high-school status. I know that on this blog I have the tendency to harp on about definitions of depression, but surely that constant dread of a thing is a type or sign of depression. Anyway, I left when I was pregnant with my daughter, but actually still feel my stomach twisting when I drive past my old work, 6 years later!
As a mum I have definitely struggled with Mondays, especially during depressive episodes, and used to actually cling to my husbands arm as he was leaving, begging him not to go - poor Josh!!! But when everything is a-ok, Mondays have been pretty awesome for the last couple of years.
Is it terrible to admit it is a relief that everyone is going away on Monday morning? Surely other mums feel this too. I love my children dearly and my husband even more(the 'more' probably being because he doesn't headbutt me as much), but with Monday comes routine and calm and a breather, a wee break. And yes, it actually is a relief to send Josh back to work, because it means the house is mine again, I am running the show and my schedule is everybody's schedule. Terrible I know! Again - poor Josh! And Maddy trots off to school, and Lewis swaggers off to kindy, and I get a bit of ME time. It is MY choice whether I do the dishes or tidy, or turn on the telly, or even dive back into bed and pull the covers over my head. For a few hours, I am the boss of Me.
And the other great thing about Mondays is the mums group I attend, Space. As in, Space for us to be ourselves, Space for us to have a cup of coffee and chat to each other, Space to share with and to listen to each other. It is a magical thing. I go to church each Sunday, but somehow in the hubbub and madness and children, there is not much 'fellowship' that happens, and so, each weekend, no matter how rough things get, no matter how lonely or grumpy I feel, I know that, come Monday, there will be Space for me. Usually, not always but usually, we start off by going around in a circle, sharing things that have been happening, things we are struggling with or that we are celebrating... and although this may seem a waste of time, for me I treasure the chance to hear everybody's story, to know that some people have had a good time and others a difficult time, it makes us human and accessible to each other. We have a connection. Some of us crave connection. And selfishly I look forward to being able to share what's going on with me, because I need to know that someone has heard me, that I am not invisible, drifting through the crowds like a ghost but that my story matters, just like everyone else's.
I guess what I'm rabbitting on about, is that we all have(or should have) something good on Monday, something gentle and easy and kind and sociable that we can look forward to.
Today is not a great Monday. I had a particularly horrible few days at home, and am worried about some issues with the kids. Josh has been(still is) really sick, and we went to church without him yesterday. I didn't feel like I managed to grab a connection with anyone. I didn't get to enjoy the singing(which is my fave) because Lewis was desperate to run around and be wild(note to self: sit somewhere different next time) and I knew he would be too loud and rambunctious, so I held him, against his will. Which meant that I spent the time sitting, holding onto a very strong and angry boy, getting kicked and punched, whilst trying to keep my daughter happy and quiet, whilst trying to prepare myself for helping out with one of the kids rooms. And after church, I felt lonely and sad, and as I walked back to the carpark with a now-sweet child's hand in each of mine, I did not want to go home to a dark quiet house with Josh snoring and coughing... we had lunch together, us three, and it was nice. It was easy and yes, I spent money I didn't need to spend, but it restored a little bit of sanity into my life.
And all through this weekend, while Josh has been coughing and Maddy has been having huuuuge destructive meltdowns and Lewis has been hitting and kicking me and my mother has been difficult and hurtful, I kept thinking... 'it's alright, it'll be Monday soon, soon everyone will have gone back to their things and I will have space...'
But Monday is half over and I haven't found the space I needed. We had Space, and it was good - different format but incredibly inspiring story - but I didn't get to say to anyone
- I've had a really crap few days and I feel like crap.
That's all I need to say, and I just wanted to say it to someone, somehow. Thanks Blog, for being that person. Thanks for letting me dump on you. Tuesday will be here soon!