Sunday, August 26

The Numbers Game

So, in the numbers game, I have spent 35 weeks being pregnant, and I have 5 weeks to go. It feels like it has gone incredibly fast this time, and a week ago I was feeling slightly anxious at how fast these last weeks were slipping by.... no matter, now I am desperate for them to race past! I've hit that point of complete weariness. I may have spent an amazing 35 weeks depression free, but about two-thirds of that has been spent in quite severe physical pain, and I am running out of mental and emotional strength to keep on laughing and smiling whilst hurting.
        A couple of days ago I had a bath, it was heaven. Josh ran it for me, as I was in a considerable amount of pain and couldn't find a comfortable position to sit in, and the darling man helped me into it, then sat and talked and listened to me talk and talk and talk, and poured water over my back. I felt a bit weepy, in fact I have cried quite a few times in the last few weeks. Each time I assume the black dog is finally here, and feel like a complete failure etc. Until I remember that even perfectly sane women get weepy during the last trimester. Phew! But I have also noticed my temper is shorter, my answers are snappier, my nerves slightly frayed at the edges. Because 35 weeks is a long time.
      So the pain was just what it was, pain. If you're interested(and please note, this is REALLY boring actually), I have been having pain in the front of my belly from a hernia, pain in the left side of my groin from pulling something early on, pain in my lower back from the pain and weakness in my front, middle/upper back pain that is rather mysterious, and comes with an inflamed lump next to my spine that apparently radiates heat when I'm really sore!!! Crazy! Anyway, all this I was coping with. It's just pain, it's just pain, I told myself. I went to a doctor I'd never seen before(all my doctors are useless), and asked her about pain management. She asked me if I knew if codeine was safe during pregnancy? I said politely, no sorry, I haven't heard... she went on to prescribe it me, after looking it up and proclaiming it a safe 'Grade A' med... it's not, it's a Grade C, not very safe med.... 
     Anyway, I plugged on, trying to only take panadol twice a day, and making sure I have a big nap every afternoon to prevent the very painful and realistic Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having every evening. The night before last I had the afore-mentioned bath. The next day, I went to get into the shower, not thinking to check for slipperiness(we have one of those shower-over-bath deals that is fine until you can't lift your legs very well), and I slipped. One leg went to the right, and one to the left. My left hip twisted back, and I heard and felt an audible crack in my pelvis. It's probably just a strained ligament or something, but the pain has increased in the last twenty-four hours, to a sharp stinging pain at the centre, and my whole pubic area feels slightly swollen and bruised! 
     I'm so over it. I've met the wall, and I'm not attempting to climb it. My pelvis won't allow any leg-lifting anyway. All the little worries that plague every pregnant woman's feeble mind have been introducing themselves, and with this latest ouch  I feel slightly overwhelmed. 
      Definitely not depressed, just anxious, but in a tired way which means the rabid anxiety shouldn't be able to take hold :). I'm anxious and frustrated that this morning when we went for our very short walk down to the farmers market it left me sore and bruised feeling, which means that picking Maddy up from school is going to be a nightmare. Concerned that the pain is more than just a strained-whatever, what if it's a broken  or chipped whatever? Does that mean my pubic bone will just snap in two when I'm in labour? Labour, that's another thing. I've definitely entered the infinite waiting stage. Will it come early? Will it come late? How will I know? My mind is completely blank and I cannot even remember how I gave birth to two children previously. What does labour look like again? What if I can't cope with the pain? What if I embarrass myself and break down and beg for drugs? What if I randomly haemorrhage in my living room and die? What if the baby can't breathe when it's born? What if my hernia ruptures? Is that even a thing that can happen?
      I've forgotten everything I know, everything I've experienced, everything I've read, and now I have five whole weeks of worry and not-knowing stretching out ahead of me. 
    I have a plan. I know I'm anxious, and I'm tired, and I'm in quite a lot of pain. These things three do not a happy girl make, and I know I have to do something NOW to forestall the downwards spiral. I'm picturing a giant poster of me looking angry, pointing a giant finger at, well, myself, and with the words "Your You needs YOU".
       So, here's the deal. The prevention plan that Maternal Mental Health won't do with me, because I'm not actually depressed at the moment. I have 5 weeks left, possibly 7 if it follows the pattern of the last two. Something awesome has to happen each week. I have to plan for something awesome, ahead of time. Make me some dates. Some things to look forward to. My ideas include, getting a haircut(by a person not myself), going to the movies by myself during the day, getting a massage.... any other ideas? They have to be things that don't cost too much, and I have to plan them ahead of time, so when I get to the end of each week and feel discouraged that I am STILL freaking pregnant, I can think that at least that means I still get to do x, y or z next week. 
       So, I need 7 great ideas, one for each week that I might still be pregnant(I'm thinking the last two had better be pretty spectacular, cos nothing sucks like going overdue). Do you have any great ideas you can loan me? What do you reckon? 
    Right, I'm off to have another bath.

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