warning: people up ahead!
I think we(those of us who go to church) have high expectations. We expect that we're jumping into a pool full of other like-minded people, who not only like the same God we like, but are NICE people. All the time. I mean, that's what we are, isn't it? Christians are nice people... well, we're supposed to be... And what happens, is we expose ourselves(not in a flasher-trenchcoat kind of way), we allow ourselves to become vulnerable. We tell people our stories, we share our ideas, passions and dreams. And sometimes? We get hurt. Some of us experience it occasionally, and some of us experience it many times over. Perhaps some of us are not what the Church expected to be walking in through it's front doors. Maybe we're too different. Too honest about something? Too hairy. Maybe. Maybe we dress funny. I know I do! The point I'm trying to make, is that we hurt each other. Just because. It's usually not some master plan to Make Her Feel Bad. It's usually not intentional. It's often not noticed. It just happens sometimes. Why? Because we're humans. As Christians, we're just humans who are more aware of just how human we are. We're so human. *heavy sigh*
It doesn't just happen at churches. It happens everywhere. It happens in families. It happens between friends, between neighbours, brothers and sisters, parents and children. Shit happens.
I'm not going to go into detail about anything particular. Yes, it happens to me. Surprise! I'm a human, and I love other humans. Bound to happen. It's not the details that matter, so much as what we do with all the hurting afterwards. I'm not so good at processing hurt. Well, in saying that, can someone be skilled at being hurt and then recovering?All I know is that I don't know what to do with those feelings, once they happen to me.
A sticking plaster.
And I don't know if your brains do this to you, but for me, as a special treat, my brain likes to get out all those previous hurts that were never resolved from years gone by, and line them up for me. Things that on their own do not add up to much, but hey, girl, have you seen how it's happened SO many times? My brain finds a pattern. It takes me on a tour of memory lane, pointing out the sights. And gathered together, these separate hurts start to look like one big old EVERYBODY HATES ME...
Not true of course, and one of the lies that our clever minds try to feed us.... but you can see how, given a time-line of the high-lights and low-lights, they can snowball in your memory, into one giant angry ugly hurt.
And it makes me want to stop trying.
But you know what? We are called, as Christians, as humans, as citizens of this planet, to Keep On Trying. That is what moves us forward. We are called, I believe, to stand up again, shake off the dust and rubble, and walk on. And I really do believe that. Even when I am in a little heap of Sad, curled up on the couch, in my deepest innermost being I know that I will have to keep on going. Where would this planet be without people like me, people like you, who keep trying? If you care about something, or someone, if you really do love them with all your heart, you will put one foot in front of the next. You will allow yourself to become excited again about ideas, passionate about dreams, outspoken about visions.