Tuesday, June 18

The wilderness

Sometimes it all feels like too much. Too much, and yet not enough, at the same moment.

Too many obligations, expectations(both real and imagined), chores, too much to sort through and clean and get rid of, too many possessions, too many clothes, too many friends to keep track of and catch up with and too many people to worry about whether or not they actually like you... I make the same mistakes over and over again, trapped in a demo level of a game where I can't actually win. And yet, at the same time, I feel like I don't have enough - enough time, enough clothes, enough friends, enough freedom, enough boundaries....

I don't feel like everyone is out to get me.... instead I feel the opposite, constantly putting myself out there and not being scooped up. And I wonder whether I am fading - whether when I am standing next to you, in certain angles of sunlight I am actually slightly transparent? My hold on the world, my stake, my 'mark' that I am trying to make... it shimmers and shifts, it is not solid.

I am wondering about the purpose of my 'work' - do I even have any? I am passionate about my blog, but why? To what end? Do I want people to read it? Yes! Do I want people to engage? Yes! Do I want the number of readers to increase exponentially until I'm so famous that I can write books and get asked to speak at places and have sponsors and get paid..? Yes yes yes! But if that is what I'm aiming for, then of course I'm going to end up disappointed. So is it worth it? To write things, and send them out into the void that is the internet, and watch them drift, lost at sea... Is writing a blog merely another way to feel lonely and rejected? Yes! But only if we let it, right? A lovely friend of mine actually just wrote something really similar, about wondering what the purpose of her blog was, and it echoed my own feelings well... so I am therefore not alone, if at least one other kiwi mummy blogger is in the same boat...

I am also wondering about the purpose of my crafting. I love making things. I love love love the process of inspiration, sketching ideas, drafting up creations, problem solving the nitty gritty details, and then perfecting the product. And I rarely ever make something just for myself, or my children. Instead I make Something and in my head I wonder how I can simplify the process, how I can speed up the process, who would like this kind of Thing, what they might pay for this Thing, where I should sell this Thing, how many more I should make, whether or not they should be similar or all different... and so on. I am constantly coming up with ideas of Things to make and to SELL. And yet, when nothing sells in months and months and months, you start to wonder why you are making this Thing. Is it in fact just a Sneed? Am I hopelessly out of touch with what people like and want? Apparently!

I don't want to stop creating. But I need to find some way of re-directing my focus. Re-purposing my Thing-making energy. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to sell things, which is all well and good, but what to do with all the energy and ideas whirling around inside my head? I have SO many ideas, but if no one else wants them, why do I have them?

All I have is questions I'm afraid. I hope that no one was reading this far because they thought there was a moral of the story! :) No moral, no solutions, no decisions, no resolutions. Just lots of swirly question marks, floating out into the dark empty universe.



Leonie said...

Oh you are so not alone. In fact, can you see inside my head??
I love the way you wrote about the too much, not enough. Excellent excellent writing.
I also relate strongly to your paragraph about being transparent. I feel invisible so much of the time.
It feels like I will never be enough. In my family, with my friends (few as they may be) in the blogging world.. everywhere.

And the making stuff to sell... I so get you there too.

So no, you are not alone and yes I read your blog (when I have internet) and I totally get your entire post.

And I have totally overshared and said too much.

Sending you lots of hugs

Cat said...

Sending you lots of encouragement
See you for coffee

Jen said...

I can SO TOTALLY relate to your post!! You are definitely not alone. I've recently had some health problems that have made me have to shut down some creative businesses I had running and I've actually felt a lot of relief to just be creative for my own sake and not translate that into sales. But I can relate to the drive to! No words of wisdom from me, unfortunately - just wanted to let you know you're not alone.