Well. Here's the truthiness of it all. I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I don't really know why. I know I should be grateful for everything, but I'm struggling. I'm frustrated that I don't have the time to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them. It's a childish emotion, but hey, I hang out with childish people all the time, I guess it rubs off on me.
Things I'm tired of:
- feeling tired every morning.
- feeling overwhelmed every morning.
- feeling cold every morning.
- constantly feeding people who don't really say thanks.
- constantly cleaning up messes.
- constantly doing dishes.
- constantly reminding people to go to the toilet.
- constantly reminding people to flush the toilet.
- having to pre-prepare, inform, pre-warn, coerce, beg, plead and yell just to get people out of the house so we can go get some bread from the supermarket.
- making sandwiches. So many sandwiches, every day.
- feeling the washing, holding the cold, damp washing all one by one up to my cheek because I can't really tell if it's just cold or still wet.
- washing my hands, turning my fingers to ice, stinging blocks of ice
- watching before my very eyes the washing pile up and the toys on the ground piling up and the dirty dishes stacking up in the kitchen and not being able to do a thing about it because I'm just holding someone, all day, holding holding holding.
- feeling the tug of discontent in my heart, knowing all the things I would LOVE to do but can't even start if I can't get the housework done because I'm just holding someone all day long.
- the disappointment of realizing I've fallen asleep while rocking someone to sleep, and wasted an hour and a half; knowing that would be the only time I would have had to do anything today.
- seeing everyone else's children reaching milestones, seeing everyone else's children eating normal food, seeing everyone else's children responding to well thought-out parental input normally.
- seeing status updates of people complaining about having to shop at a mall with regular people or complaining about not being able to get their normal organic produce or making me feel guilty about going to the mall all the time, eating crap, feeding crap to my children because it's all they'll eat, not making enough of an effort.
- feeling crabby when I know I should be feeling joyful.
- feeling behind, endlessly behind, on everything I should be doing.
- feeling sorry for myself when I should be so thankful that I live in this country, in this house, with this amazing man, with this amazing job, and these amazing children.
- watching rich people get fancy stuff for free, when poor people can't afford to get normal stuff. It drives me so crazy.
- feeling jealous all the time when I shouldn't be.
- not having enough time to devote to writing, to setting up my blog properly, to posting regularly.
- that all my friends have babies or work or really important stuff that means I can't ask them for help, I can't turn up on their doorstep, hand over my children and receive hugs and coffee.
- not being able to help my friends when they need the same help that I need.
Things I'm grateful for:
- lunch(crazy hectic noisy lunch with 3 children in tow) with lovely people who are like-minded, who I can just be myself with, who inspire me to be creative even when I don't have the time.
- that a friend took the time to send me a message this evening, quoting that passage in Luke where Martha is flustered and racing around, and angry at her sister Mary for just sitting with her friend Jesus, listening to what he has to say.
"41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one...”
- that I somehow managed to make dinner for me and Josh, after getting everyone into bed this evening. I don't know how.
- that Josh doesn't need me to wear fancy clothes, put make-up on, even make him dinner. He loves being with me even when I am crabby and ungrateful and feeling really sorry for myself.