Friday, May 31

Fail

Well. Here's the truthiness of it all. I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I don't really know why. I know I should be grateful for everything, but I'm struggling. I'm frustrated that I don't have the time to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them. It's a childish emotion, but hey, I hang out with childish people all the time, I guess it rubs off on me.

Things I'm tired of:
- feeling tired every morning.
- feeling overwhelmed every morning.
- feeling cold every morning.
- constantly feeding people who don't really say thanks.
- constantly cleaning up messes.
- constantly doing dishes.
- constantly reminding people to go to the toilet.
- constantly reminding people to flush the toilet.
- having to pre-prepare, inform, pre-warn, coerce, beg, plead and yell just to get people out of the house so we can go get some bread from the supermarket.
- making sandwiches. So many sandwiches, every day.
- feeling the washing, holding the cold, damp washing all one by one up to my cheek because I can't really tell if it's just cold or still wet.
- washing my hands, turning my fingers to ice, stinging blocks of ice
- watching before my very eyes the washing pile up and the toys on the ground piling up and the dirty dishes stacking up in the kitchen and not being able to do a thing about it because I'm just holding someone, all day, holding holding holding.
- feeling the tug of discontent in my heart, knowing all the things I would LOVE to do but can't even start if I can't get the housework done because I'm just holding someone all day long.
- the disappointment of realizing I've fallen asleep while rocking someone to sleep, and wasted an hour and a half; knowing that would be the only time I would have had to do anything today.
- seeing everyone else's children reaching milestones, seeing everyone else's children eating normal food, seeing everyone else's children responding to well thought-out parental input normally.
- seeing status updates of people complaining about having to shop at a mall with regular people or complaining about not being able to get their normal organic produce or making me feel guilty about going to the mall all the time, eating crap, feeding crap to my children because it's all they'll eat, not making enough of an effort.
- feeling crabby when I know I should be feeling joyful.
- feeling behind, endlessly behind, on everything I should be doing.
- feeling sorry for myself when I should be so thankful that I live in this country, in this house, with this amazing man, with this amazing job, and these amazing children.
- watching rich people get fancy stuff for free, when poor people can't afford to get normal stuff. It drives me so crazy.
- feeling jealous all the time when I shouldn't be.
- not having enough time to devote to writing, to setting up my blog properly, to posting regularly.
- that all my friends have babies or work or really important stuff that means I can't ask them for help, I can't turn up on their doorstep, hand over my children and receive hugs and coffee.
- not being able to help my friends when they need the same help that I need.

Things I'm grateful for:
- lunch(crazy hectic noisy lunch with 3 children in tow) with lovely people who are like-minded, who I can just be myself with, who inspire me to be creative even when I don't have the time.
- that a friend took the time to send me a message this evening, quoting that passage in Luke where Martha is flustered and racing around, and angry at her sister Mary for just sitting with her friend Jesus, listening to what he has to say.
"41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one...”
- that I somehow managed to make dinner for me and Josh, after getting everyone into bed this evening. I don't know how.
- that Josh doesn't need me to wear fancy clothes, put make-up on, even make him dinner. He loves being with me even when I am crabby and ungrateful and feeling really sorry for myself.

4 comments:

Michelle said...

Just be reassured that we all feel like this once in a while and you are not alone! These days will pass, I promise. Sending a smile your way...and wishing I could make the sandwiches for you (though.... I agree, making them is a pain). xxx

Bridge said...

Awwww I echo Michelle. I remember these days all too well, now that my kids are that bit older its not all so all consuming at once, but chick, you are not alone. I'm pretty sure most of us feel these things some time or another.
X

Cat said...

Rachel HUGE HUG xxx
I'm sorry your feeling so overwhelmed at the moment
Please let me know what I can do!! I do coffee really well :) and I can bake bread for those sandwiches

Jess B said...

This sounds strange, but I love this post. I know these feelings (well, not all of them, because I know your challenges are different to mine). This parenting (and being a grown-up) gig is tougher than tough. It's a hard slog. It's totally amazing and a huge blessing! But it's a hard slog too. We should live in the same city - then you could come to my house, with my piles of dishes and toys and mess and we could make our kids sandwiches with yesterday's bread and drink coffee while they do their thing. You would feel at home here. :) I love the verse you (your friend?) shared with you re: Martha. Yes! One Thing. The One. So good. Such a good perspective for now. Chin up, my sweet. You are good enough. x